So I opened Twitter for like a second tonight, and my office was suddenly flooded with 140-character jokes about fancy outfits, skit lengths, Kirk Douglas, assorted faux pas, and Melissa Leo's ambition. Clearly it was time to live-tweet the Oscars. Or at least to live-tweet the Oscars I've always wanted to see. My alternate-universe contributions after the jump.
Awesome! An all-star tribute montage saluting the invention of postproduction 3-D!
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James Franco just walked onstage in a tuxedo made of Frosted Circus Animal Cookies.
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The satellite feed from the White House where Obama saluted "the tradition of drama dating back to the Dionysia" was a bit much, honestly.
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Inside every Oscar gift-bag: a second-generation VHS dub of "The Day the Clown Cried"
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Anne Hathaway's hair is made of maize
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A standing ovation when the VENTURE BROS. voice cast came out to present Best Car Chase. Well-deserved.
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Breaking out the 2011 animation categories into separate "Hand Drawn," "3-D," and "Green-Screen Trying to Pass for Real" Oscars? Great idea.
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Holy crap Dakota Fanning's date is totally a puppet!
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Gummo Marx's Lifetime Achievement Oscar speech is fantastic. Total class act.
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My favorite part so far? The commercial-break bumpers where they show Jeff Bridges' behind-the-scenes photographs for 10 silent seconds.
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Though that runs a close second to the cutaways to Peter Bogdonavich talking about his cocktail-party chats with various winners.
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Aw! A salute to the print edition of PREMIERE magazine!
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It was so brilliantly pomo of the producers to cut to footage of Franco and Hathaway's backstage Oscar pool. She's kicking his ass!
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JOHN WILLIAMS ELECTRIC GUITAR SOLO
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Best Documentary Oscar goes to "The Film With The Colon In Its Title: A Hedged Bet"
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Loving these title sequences animated by Alejandro Jodorowsky and Moebius
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Steven Spielberg just announced a single film that will act as a sequel to "Close Encounters" AND "E.T." while introducing Best Picture?!
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A xylophonist playing BORN FREE on the ash-receptacles of filmmakers who passed away in 2010? You've finally gone too far, Julie Taymor.
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That's so cute that they dressed up Chloe Moretz's Oscar in a little Hit Girl costume
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I love that Mickey Rourke is spending his entire speech talking about how hot Dorothy Malone was in THE BIG SLEEP. You fly that freak flag.
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Omigod! And then Dorothy Malone came onstage, aged 86, and started making out with him! BEST OSCARS EVER
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I counted 14 Cirque du Soleil performers climbing out of Anne Hathaway's hat. Seriously, how did they do that? Where are the wires?
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"Moonlighting" cast reunion onstage! Damn, Curtis Armstrong looks great
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Janelle Monáe wins Best Song for "Battle Fantasia" from "Master & Commander: The Wine-Dark Sea"! Called it!
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Bill Murray just pulled out his checkbook onstage and paid for the Robocop statue. A LOT of people could have been fed w/ that money, Bill.
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If you know the secret URL, you can access the webcam positioned directly under James Franco's chin
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Looking forward to the Downey / Law reboot of the Hope/Crosby "Road" pictures. The clips in the Oscars end-credits looked great
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Did all those Tobe Hooper/Steven Spielberg "Poltergeist" director-credit jokes make anyone else uncomfortable? Just present the award, guys.
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Tom Hooper is now a lock to direct that "Young Dickens" movie starring Rufus Sewell
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As if on cue, Banksy pulled a switch and the entire auditorium was showered in plastic pork-and-beans breakfast plates
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Man, Coppola just FLAYED Biskind from the stage. Wow. I heard the guy curling into a fetal ball from here.
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That mumblecore tribute went on way too long
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Bob Odenkirk and Connie Selleca present Best Actress Oscar. They're sparkling as usual. I think Villanch saves his best jokes for these two
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Worst part of tonight's Oscars? The running gag in which Kuato popped out of various character actors' stomachs (though Dennehy's was funny)
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Colin Firth's next role: Ant-Man
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Sorry, but no "Memorable Movie Haircuts" montage is complete without Walken's "View to a Kill" 'do. #oscars #maxzoranftw
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Loved the "Hollywood Amends" montage, though. Best part: Mickey Rooney, wearing an oxygen tube, apologizing for BREAKFAST AT TIFFANY'S.
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Love that @mattzollerseitz was assembling "live movie-clip essays" online during the show. LOVED the one devoted to alternate airliner edits
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Man, this might be on my shortlist for best Oscars ever. Definitely my favorite since the one w/ the Godard/Depardieu fistfight. Goodnight!
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Mike Russell (culturepulp) on Twitter
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